Have you read the fucking constitution?

This fucking redundant section gives a 'short name' for the constitution that's 5 words long - that’s 4 words longer than the word Constitution, which isn’t fucking short in the first place.

It tells us that the Constitution sets up the rules for Australia, its States, Territories, and our rugby-feeder club, New Zealand, but as will become quite clear, we're all just making shit up as we go along.

1. General

Like any self-respecting Boomer, Australian parliament will have 2 houses.

The Senate and the House of Reps will be the play-thing of whichever distant cousin of Dracula is sitting on the British throne.

But since Charles is far too busy ignoring Harry’s frost-bitten penis, avoiding Andrew’s overactive one, and taking out his childhood trauma on a fountain pen, we will appoint a Governor General.

2. Senate

Every State gets to elect 12 dickheads to the shitshow that is the Senate, which explains why we’re scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel in Queensland. The fucking territories can have 2 and should thank us kindly to even be there.

There's about 30 paragraphs explaining how to elect the fuckwits, without one single mention of a sausage sizzle.

3. House of Reps

Aside from being the best named gym in the country, the House of Reps is also an elected group of ill-fitting suits who get paid to bore us shitless at school assemblies, rubberstamp ideas from highly paid lobbyists and pretend to care about our shitty little lives, all while claiming it back as an ‘expense’.

4. House Rules

This bit sets out what you can and can’t do as a pollie; it’s the original #BonkBan. While it hits a few high notes, it fails to mention that you probably shouldn’t hold super-secret ministry positions, start a literal boys club called the Big Swinging Dicks, bulldoze small children, ask people what their favourite type of lettuce is, or scam $1.8 billion in debt payments from the people that elected you. So yeah, they could have just written “go for your fucking life, big dog”!

5. The Powers of Parliament

Just when you were about to fall asleep, the Big C sack whacks you with a riveting list of 39 super powers to make laws about everything from astronomy (suck shit, Galileo) to ‘the influx of criminals’ (fool me once you Pommy motherfuckers).

Right at the end, some bloke called Bill gets a nod for pleasuring the Queen, and honestly, have some fucking respect, Bill.

Australians hate work. This chapter enshrines that proud culture into our constitution.

The King delegates to the Governor General, who is busy in the recording studio with his missus. So he delegates to the Ministers, who only got into this for the free tickets to the cricket. So they pass the work on to any unlucky Civil Servant they can find, who in turn knocks off at 3 for a smoko, works a 9 day fortnight and that’s why the fucking NBN doesn’t work.

This chapter only exists to make law nerds say the word ‘judicature’ which is fucking impossible.

This is where the High Court gets a guernsey, which you may remember from Mabo. Mabo is a significant historical figure, you may remember from The Castle. The Castle is this chapter of the Constitution adapted for film.

To be fair, this chapter title didn’t exactly scream 'read me' - so I didn't.

But a quick skim tells us that this is where we established free trade between States, and where WA first got its knickers in a twist about the GST.

Now we get to the fucking point at last. States can make sweet coin taxing alcohol but if Peter Malinauskas tries to put his fucking rig on the backside of a dollar he’s toast, no matter how good looking he might be.

And if a State invades another State the army will help one of them; decided by the toss of a coin, or whichever one is fighting Victoria.

Territories can become States - fucking lol - and we can make new States whenever we want; so fuck knows why New Zealand is still its own thing; probably because they don’t have any oil.

Because Melbourne and Sydney fighting to be the capital is like Elon and Zuck peacocking over the Metaverse; neither of them get it. Instead, we all get Canberra. Thanks a fucking lot.